Picking Scabs

Heading into the holidays on any given year can be stressful for a myriad of reasons. This year is no exception but the universe has raised the stakes somewhat by immersing humanity in unrelenting stress and uncertainty for the better part of the last two years. Adding to the already boiling over pot, new family divides over medical choices, coming together after long periods of isolation, confined spaces, and a dash (or a gallon or two) of alcohol and we have a recipe for disaster in many cases. This doesn't even take into account the many unhealed wounds that we all bring to family gatherings while insisting on picking at the scabs and re-opening old wounds.

What if instead of surviving the holidays we decided to recreate the experience altogether?  We can't do much about the state of the world outside of our homes but we can have a massive impact on the state of our relationships, our emotions, and our well-being. We could even be the catalyst for some long-overdue healing. 

We have all experienced some level of childhood trauma. So often when we gather with family we are triggered into childhood reactions and patterns of behavior. Because our brains are wired to look for danger, (in this case all the ways that someone might disrespect us, diminish us, disregard us, etc.) we can become overly suspicious and on high alert for the possibly dubious intentions of others, especially when there are unhealed wounds, unexpressed expectations, and resignation around "it's just the way it is." When we attribute dark intentions to every word and gesture from family members we will undoubtedly be in the experience of a contentious environment. What you think about you bring about. Whatever you focus on, you will see more of so going into family situations with our guards up against all possible slights will virtually guarantee hurt feelings and maybe even a good old-fashioned row. Once feelings are hurt we often pick at old scabs and freshly open long-festering wounds. 

It's interesting to me that when we speak about physical healing we know that rest, nourishment, and tending to the wound until it heals are important for optimal results. When we speak of emotional wounds, however, more often than not, they are covered over with a dirty bandaid and left to drip poison into our systems until we scratch at the scab and open the wound anew.  "He shouldn't have said that to me... She always ignores me...he should be more respectful...she never listens to me..they are always judging me"  are all examples of ways that we focus on old wounds and pick at the barely formed scars. Some of you may not open up the wound but instead put on your armor and choose to disconnect in an attempt to avoid re-injuring yourself. This may seem like a good strategy in the short term but it's exhausting and often leaves us feeling disappointed and depleted; the poison keeps dripping. 

What if we chose to tend to our unhealed emotional wounds with the same tenderness that we would treat a scratch or a burn on a toddler? What if there was a salve that could change how we experience our families? 

There is. The medicine, however, can taste bitter at first. Healing emotional wounds is a commitment, a practice, and requires diligence, patience, acceptance, and most of all (drum roll please)...Forgiveness. 

All behavior in every single human being started with a good intention. The intention to protect, preserve or prevent is the driving force for all of us and is highly triggered in family environments. Starting with this understanding can lead us to more curiosity and higher levels of compassion and empathy both for ourselves and others. Deciding that everyone is doing the best they can at each moment can disarm us and help to shift our vision towards what we want to experience. 

Forgiveness is not taking people off the hook for bad behavior. It's the practice of relieving ourselves of suffering that we create by continually holding others as wrong. Our righteousness is a sharp knife that wounds all involved, including us. If we are committed to healing, we must do our own work. Where are we holding onto blame? Where are we focussing on what's wrong? If you want something to change, be the change. Instead of just barely covering up or scratching at old wounds you could decide that you are committed to healing and bathe the wound in the sweet salve of forgiveness. 

Healing is uncomfortable, as a scar forms there is stretching, itching, and tenderness. Recognize that it will be no different with your emotional wounds. Allow yourself to feel the discomfort of healing but remain committed to a higher intention; peace within yourself. 

I practice many different forgiveness techniques in the form of meditation, contemplation, and even sending energy and prayers. These practices are not "one-time deals." I am committed to working on forgiving myself and others on a daily basis. What the practice of forgiveness opens up for me is the ability to drop the point of view that others are out to get me or are slighting me in some way. It allows me to attribute good intentions to those around me and to see those good intentions reflected back to me. Forgiveness allows me to experience people in a new way, beyond my childhood reactions. 

Sometimes we aren't ready to forgive and that's okay. Just remember that you hold the power to end your suffering. If you are ready the pathway is clear. 

I for one plan on engaging with each person with childlike wonder, open and undefended. I will attribute good intentions to everyone's actions and give the benefit of the doubt that everyone is doing their best. I choose to heal even when it's uncomfortable and slow. I will not pick at scabs. 

Wishing you much peace this holiday season and always. 

With love and gratitude, 

Pam