The Art of Resensitization: Maybe You're Not so Tough

As a life coach,  clients primarily come to me to improve relationships. Work relationships, intimate relationships, family relationships, and the relationship with themselves.  I happen to believe that the better our relationships are, the happier and more fulfilled we are; I love this kind of work.  Improve relationships, improve overall happiness; win-win.  A few years ago, I noticed a pattern occurring in some of my clients that had survived what is now known as "Capital T" Trauma. From the outside looking in most of them were thriving in their business lives and outwardly successful but struggling with a very specific area in relationships. They couldn't empathize with people who they perceived to have "petty problems." 

Relationships without empathy don't tend to go very well over time. If relationships feel disconnected, people feel unhappy. 

I fancied myself a great coach for this kind of client because I could relate to their lack of empathy. They were survivors. Some survived abuse, addiction, others tragic and sudden loss, some were survivors of catastrophic and unspeakable events. I too am a survivor. My first marriage was filled with addiction and violence that nearly ended my life. I had been a single mother whose husband was in prison for trying to kill her.

 As I saw it there were big things to tackle in life; important issues to heal and work through. Why should others get bent out of shape over what seemed to be insignificant drama and small potatoes compared to what we'd been through? So what if your mother-in-law disrespected you by making a dish she knows you hate? If only you knew what hard really was. 

I understood the importance of empathy for others to heal their relationships but struggled with feeling it for anyone who didn't have what I would consider an equal or worse trauma background than my own. Though I coached my clients towards understanding and appreciating where others were coming from in an attempt to create more compassion and understanding, I was missing something entirely. Us survivors had it backward.

A lovely young lady sat across from me in my office and shared how she couldn't relate to her fiance's complaints about work. She had, after all, tragically lost her beloved boyfriend in a tragic accident a few years prior. What did her current fiance have to complain about?  As I listened to her I recognized so much of myself in her speaking, and I saw something I hadn't entirely been aware of before. This idea that we survivors carried about other people needing to toughen up, suck it up, stop whining, and all the rest of it, was completely and utterly absurd. There was nothing wrong with them. There was however something amiss with us. 

I had failed to consider that putting one foot in front of the other was a survival tactic post-trauma. When I left my first marriage in what looked like an episode of the TV show "Cops" I was numb. I simply functioned as a way to avoid feeling the terror and the pain and the fear that lurked beneath the surface. I was afraid if I let one squeak of it out my facade would come crumbling down and I would be a puddle on the floor. I had a son to take care of. It wasn't an option. Numbing and avoidance are common trauma responses but when I continued to say "Its fine. I'm fine." for far too long, it had the effect of desensitizing me. Much like watching violent movies can desensitize us to the horror of real violence, the trauma I endured daily in my marriage had desensitized me to the horror of my own life...and in the process, it desensitized me from feeling much of anything at all, including empathy for others. It eventually became a point of pride when people would say "You're so strong. I can't believe how well you are doing." So I kept doing it. 

I shared my story with my client and told her how much I could relate to what she was going through. I also shared with her what I had missed about it all. Others don't need to toughen up at all. In fact, they are likely operating at stasis or a "normal" level of sensitivity. It is us who have learned to assimilate our desensitization as normal when in fact it is anything but. It was a protection mechanism. Becoming desensitized helped us to cope, to survive. And then, at some point, it stopped working but we continued on with it because it's who we thought we were.  Relationships suffered, anxiety crept in and we couldn't figure it out because in our eyes there was nothing to complain about. If the house wasn't on fire or someone's life wasn't in danger, we would carry on. 

The moment I accepted that I was the problem, I had a real pathway for healing bits of myself that I didn't know needed healing and a way of helping others. That pathway is called.

 Resensitization. 

I set about getting curious about what it was like to be in other people's shoes, not just on a surface level but with the intention of really feeling for them. I allowed myself to be in wonder, to learn details, and to truly feel.  And I didn't fall apart. 

I noticed that as I continued to practice empathy I developed (or remembered) a sense of compassion that had been covered up for two decades. My tough exterior may have started to crumble but a new inner strength shone through in its place. If connection is the foundation of relationships, and relationships are the foundation of happiness then I had just cultivated a new superpower. 

I won't lie. It took some work. It took awareness and intention and a willingness to drop old patterns and step into the unknown. And, it was worth every uncomfortable moment. As I resensitized myself I felt more alive and more connected than ever. Comparison fell away and judgment, which was once second nature, loosened its grip and made way for curiosity and connection. 

All of my relationships improved. I have helped many people drop the mask of the warrior and get in touch with feeling again. My hope is that if you've been hiding behind a tough-guy persona that you might find some freedom in the realization that it's not up to the rest of society to toughen up. Maybe it's up to us to return to a healthy level of sensitivity. After all, in order to heal we need to feel. 

If this resonates with you, you can begin your own healing journey by noticing your judgments and the emotional state they create within your body. Then try replacing your judgment with curiosity. Take time to ask questions and to notice your reactions. Does your emotional state shift? 

All that is required to reclaim yourself is a willingness to lay down the armor and to show up with flowers instead of a sword. It might be scary at first but all that you desire is on the other side of the courage it takes to feel. 

With love and gratitude.